Promise

When I was a young, I learned a very important lesson. I learned that things are different.

I learned that the rules are rewritten, the expectations redirected. I learned that there are good things and bad things that come with being a man; I learned that there are good and bad things that come with being a woman.

I learned that women are braver than what men, society and global community often give them credit for. I learned that my body is viewed through different lenses by different people.

I learned that I'm expected to apologize, even when you're not wrong, and you learn that sometimes I'm just to be seen and not heard.

I learned that life is not always fair and that it is less important to be smart and driven and talented and more important to be pretty and ditzy and to smile wide fresh white teeth and glossy, gooey lips.

I learned that it is not the color of my hair that matters, but the vibrancy of my intellect. It's not the bust size that matters, but my brain power.

I learned that yes, these child-bearing hips will one day make great babies and that I have a power no man will ever understand or steal. I have the power to make another human life.

When I learn that the doctrines the society sits so comfortably upon are wrong, I will feel empowered, invigorated, righted beyond belief. I'll feel alive and strong and hungry.

I will...

I will feel taller and faster and brave. I will feel womanly and feminine and vulnerable.

And so I start making promises. Promises to carry myself through the highs and the lows, the summers and the winters, the good and the bads. I make promises not to apologize, not to be silenced, not to be withered into submission just because I'm a woman.

I promise, instead, to fight back, fight harder, to laugh louder and longer into its seat whenever it dares to stand against me. 

I make promises to be more accepting, more appreciative. I make promises not to make the same mistakes again, but to at least make them once -  so at some point, I'll know better than to make them again.

I make promises because I deserve to be hopeful.

I deserve to be optimistic. I deserve to be everything that I want. I deserve to be happy, to be full, to be fed and loved and clothed and sad and scared and excited and terrified.

So the girls who don't yet know that there are differences in this world - to the ones who are learning, slowly, that there are certain paths we're told not to walk, to the ones who are too scared to fight back against the walls keeping them form the greener grass on the other side: Don't hold back, don't feel confined to the box you're currently standing in; don;t feel limited to the rules people tell you to follow; don't feel like you're not worth more. 

You are. You are ambition, you are power, you are sugar and rain and strong coffee.

You are determination, you are beautiful, you are ice when the world needs cooling and heat when the winds roll in.

You are honey and cinnamon. You are poise and you are praise. You are the makers of promises, the dreamers of dreams.

You are very reason to hope.

wistful

"Say good bye, to the pain of the past, we don't have to feel it anymore" - Anna (Frozen, 2013)

This isn't my typical "Happy Thursday " night. I've been through a lot of these but this is something I just don't  want to forget and something I cannot explain.

People told me how stupid I am a year ago. But who cares?

I never thought that I can love this very real and very tight like no other guy made me go crazy like this. He's lucky enough that someone spends a night just thinking what to write in this blog telling good stuffs about him, thinking of him before going to sleep wishing he had a great day, aren't he? But you know what. This guy I fell in love with is the guy who once became my world but not anymore.

Well it's weird that I'm just blogging this right now. I know that I'm moved on but I want you to know that the feelings I had for you was so unpredictable and inevitable. You taught me what a true love means. You really taught me what true love means. I'm repeating.. you really taught me how, why, where and what true love means. If only I could erase all our memories together, I would. But love is something you cannot choose, it is something that happens.

but if i'm going to forget and throw everything away then that wouldn't be love. It would be just a disposable feeling that you easily throw away. And that's not how i define love. - Ted Mosby

 You cannot say that I did not love you loyally. I may have done wrong but I've proved that I was so insane loving you even tho i know that you already turned your back just like that.

Don't worry, I've learned a lot kahit hindi halata and I just proved that I can really love seriously.Well ex nigga, I enjoyed those adventures I had when I was still with you.

Well the true purpose of this blog is just to greet you.

Remember the picture above? You told me this: "akin ka lang. ikaw yung ilaw na yan"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHUCK!

I'm really happy of your achievements now. I'm really happy. :) Always stay focus. 

Is this really true?

The people who know me well would be the first to tell you that I can be pretty cynical. I can generate a list of all the people and things I dislike in five seconds flat. And trust me, it will be a long, detailed list. But when it comes to love, I turn into a giant mush. I can’t form coherent sentences. I become an emotional wreck who sobs — at an iPhone commercial (yes, that happened).

Love is the most freeing experience there is. I don’t care if you’ve climbed a mountain or bungee-jumped off of the Manhattan Bridge — these experiences are nothing compared to being in love. Opening up emotionally reveals a side of you that you might have never known existed, be it positive or negative. Some days I feel like I can conquer the world because I’m so happy, and other days I feel like I could wage war against the girl who dared to try and socialize with my boyfriend. Most days it’s a nice, sane balance between the two.


But as grand and amazing as love is, I cannot write about it and how it truly makes me feel. I’ve read countless articles and essays on being in love that are so beautiful they make me shed a tear (I told you, I’m a mush when it comes to love). And yet, when I try and convey that feeling in my own words, I completely blank. I stare at my computer, struggling to find synonyms for “happy” and “great.” I’ve finally come to the conclusion that there are no words to describe the true depth and power of love, or at least not the love I feel. No flowery adjectives can expressive that moment when you look into someone’s eyes and feel real love. Yeah, it’s pretty freakin’ great, but I don’t think “great” does it justice. Britney Spears got it right with the line, “when your eyes say it, that’s when I know that it’s true.” Words don’t mean much when it comes to love.

Love is usually described with a slew of cliché and gushy metaphors, like “love is the first day of spring” or “love is sunshine after a cloudy day.” What about all the times being in love makes you feel terrible? What about when you’re fighting with your significant other and you feel like you truly, deeply hate him? Or you feel so worn out and confused that you don’t even want to get out of bed? Not to say that love isn’t also all of the wonderful things, but it is much more complex than most people make it out to be.

The best moments of my relationship are usually indescribable. Of course I love the date nights, the dinners, the nights we stay in and watch movies, the days that we laughed until our stomaches hurt. These things all make me feel really, really [insert synonym for happy]. But if someone asked me to describe exactly what was going on in my head during one of those moments, I wouldn’t know what to say. Maybe I can’t describe it because this is true, perfect love… or maybe I’m just being a mush again.